Caregiving Maxim #1: Your Dad is still your Dad,he is just a different Dad

My Dad had Alzheimer’s. While I was lamenting his decline, pieces of the “old” Dad would show through. I would hear him say, “I am losing a piece of my mind every day.” Heartbreaking!! This, from a man that owned his own architectural company, could do math in his head, and was a brilliant artist.

It took a long time, but our family accepted Dad for what he was each day. He loved taking drives, and loved going out to eat. He people-watched all the time. I remember one time when he was resting on a concrete seat outside of his doctor’s office. A woman doctor came out of the door, dressed impeccably, and had a very nice figure. My Dad’s eyes lit on her immediately and followed her until she was out of sight. My Dad was not a womanizer, but he still appreciated a nice-looking woman.

Another side of this people-watching came through as well. He would always comment on people’s weight or men with facial hair. (Before he died, the men had started wearing goatees.) Dad would ask them, “Why do you like all that stuff on your face?”

The word “stuff” represented a change in language ability. If Dad couldn’t remember the word he was looking for, he would give a similar word that was more general. I could usually guess what he was asking for, but that was because I was with him almost every day.

We kept Dad active as long as we could. Even a few months before he died, we took him shopping for a new shirt and tie (which he picked out) to wear to my brother’s wedding. Dad was very happy that night. He loved the margaritas and danced with the bride!

Caregiving Maxim #2:The patient is always 100% forgiven

Is your Mom or Dad grouchy? Does he/she pick at you and remind you of your childhood?? Does your Mom have a disease process going on? Is your Dad frustrated about his mental capabilities?

Being frustrated about having decreased abilities to manage one’s life or being in pain and not wanting to complain can cause grouchiness or anger at other parts of the day.

Does the patient regret having lost some of their independence? Is the patient now dependent upon a family member or caregiver to shop, cook, or take them to doctor’s appointments? Does this person no longer drive? Losing one’s independence is always very difficult and a hard pill to swallow!!!

STOP and THINK about why the patient is upset. It took me a while to understand this. My Mom had emphysema and was always short of breath. She used 200 pounds of oxygen each week and never complained about being in pain. But, she was always gasping for breath. She began using a walker, so she could sit down and rest. Then, we graduated to a battery-operated scooter, so she could take herself to the bathroom by herself (retaining some form of independence). But, she was grouchy sometimes.

Was her grouchiness due to her inability to breathe? Was it due to the loss of independence? Was she actually in pain and didn’t want to complain? It may not be possible to find out what the underlying cause of the complaining or grouchiness is.

The caregiver’s (whether a family member or professional) purpose is to help the patient get through each day as comfortably and as healthy as possible. The caregiver’s daily problems cannot be an issue. The caregiver is there for the patient. The patient is always 100% forgiven.